Wow. What a rare gem that I get to post more than once in a day. It was as though literally the entire Washington D.C. Metro region knocked on my front door and gave me the gift of their driving ineptitude and said "Please, tear us a new asshole!" .......And so I shall.
The worst thing in the world about this region is the endless legions of completely incompetent drivers on the roads of the D.C./Maryland/Virginia area, which I will just refer to from here on out as the "DMV" (not to be confused with the place you're supposed to renew your driver's license but end up playing B.O. poker with strangers.) I understand to a limited degree that the majority of people here are transients who work at the Pentagon or somewhere for a while and move back to the non-snow-getting state that they came from. Not an excuse. It snows here - you need to learn to cope with that by either learning to drive competently in the snow or staying off the road altogether. Watch the weather report at some point and just make the determination right then and there that if snow is coming, that you're not going on the road. Actually, I don't even like to refer to what goes on in this area as winter traffic - I refer to it as the retard museum on wheels. It seems as though anything wrong that can possibly be done while driving in the snow was being done today. Let's not forget the snowfall we received in this area last year - we're talking record highs here, yet there seemed to be an absence of this kind of dumbshittery. I know you can't fix stupid, but I'm going to attempt to list some basics of driving in snow:
1) If the snow on the ground meets the underbelly of your car - don't attempt to go anywhere. Your Honda Civic is not going to be the exception to the rule.
2) If you have no previous experience with driving in snow and you have a rear-wheel drive vehicle that doesn't convert into four-wheel drive - stay off the road. Otherwise, your new name is "liability".
3) If you have no experience with driving in snow and you have a front-wheel drive vehicle, you're not much better off than those in 2. In any event, please don't gun it when you feel the car starting to slow down. The front of your vehicle will go in the exact opposite direction of whichever direction your front wheels are pointed and it will end badly for you.
4) Do your best to follow in the tire tracks, if applicable, that are already on the road. This would not include tracks that lead off the road.
5) Having anti-lock brakes in your car does not mean that your car will stop on a dime in snow. Please stop thinking that it does.
6) Turning on your hazard lights does not provide a force field around your vehicle. Check the owner's manual, I think you'll find I'm right on this one.
7) Conservation is the key - as previously mentioned, no gunning the gas as this only leads to trouble for you, and possibly for me if I'm beside you. Also slamming on your brakes usually ends up in disaster, so just don't do it.
8) Hang up your goddamn phone.
9) On lesser-traveled roads, drive in the center. It's a little known fact that most roads are paved with a slight peak in the center so that rain water runs off to the sides of the road. This eliminates your chances of running off towards the side of the road also. In the event of an oncoming car, it's best to get back on to your side of the road and move at a creep until the oncoming car passes. It isn't a game of chicken - please don't turn it into one.
10) If whatever you're doing isn't working, stop doing it.
Now I can't assure you that following these simple steps is a guarantee that nothing bad will happen to you. Snowy roads are as unpredictable as many other things in life. I don't think there is any such thing as mastery of driving on snowy and ice-packed roads. I grew up in New England driving in these conditions where winter can be as long as a 7 month season so I got plenty of practice. Be assured that for every driver in the DMV area that may know a thing or two about driving in this ridiculous weather, there are at least 500 who have no experience whatsoever. Some people in the 60's used to say "if you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the problem". Well, right on Daddy-O, pass the bongos and get a clue.
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